Because Ive had way too many experiences with neighbours and friendlies (people who arent your friends, but who you are friendly with) just walking all over boundaries and inserting themselves into your day for HOURS. My brother and sister-in-law wound up super-stressed because not only did her mother and father invite themselves over, but they brought her brother, his wife and their twin toddlers. But usually those friends are limited to the small number of people who have seen me ugly cry. More answers below Cheryl Robinson-Atwood Former RN (1996-2009) Author has 2.4K answers and 1.9M answer views Dec 13 Sponsored by Forbes Advisor Best pet insurance of 2023. My apologies, Manattee. One time she offered to help me pack for a camping trip with my friends that she wasnt even going on and only gave me 5 mins of advance notice. Oh also, the good old days when people could just drop by anytime had rules too, they were just different rules. Maybe later in the week, like Thursday or something? There may be many people who wouldnt think either of those things are rude, but if this is an issue youre worried about then erring on the side of caution is probably better. You get your period " Honestly why the f*ck doesn't he have tampons?" "Oh my god, my. WITHOUT offering up an alternative or making a visible effort to make something happen. Housemate observed that I probably wouldnt come if I wasnt sent an invitation. I think Im so hung up on this(and really, I am; I obsess over it) because when I was a teenager, I was quite unpopular. Ill also disagree that invitations arent a reflection of friendship. And this has been proven time and time again. So for me, personally, its only come to my house if you have *asked to come and been told yes* and have given us a reasonable amount of notice, or if you have been explicitly invited. Things you should offer to do: Help prep or cook meals; set the table and do the dishes; offer to drive; occupy the kids while their parents take a well-deserved nap; fix a little something around the house if you have the skills; or take the dog for a walk. Even if the person talking about the fun thing is a close friend, I clarify whether Im wanted there, and I try to do so in a way that doesnt sound like Im angling for an invitation. By. - Inviting Myself Along DEAR INVITING MYSELF ALONG: I suspect 2. Guys can be very easy-going with their toiletries and appearance. I tend to go for is this a partners-also thing or a just-us thing? it means theyre not being asked to make a statement of whether or not my partner, specifically, is welcome. 2. Even if it's occasionally fine, it isn't something anyone should make a habit of doing, or take it for granted as a way to hang out with people. and if someone who has acted like were the best of friends doesnt invite me to something i would have expected to be invited to, and then proceeds to talk about it non-stop in front of me and acts like were still super close? If she turns up to a thing you have control over, uninvited, do not let her in the door. You have probably found yourself in this situation a couple of times. Tip #2: Plan a Dinner Close to Home or at Your Home. The group just assumes everyone understands the unwritten open invitation. You might also find out what his favorite type of movie is and maybe find it on Netflix or disney+, then ask if you can watch it at his house. In the bike example, you could text and say hey, Im picking up my bike from near your house, do you want to go to the park for a bit? or even hey, Im in [neighbourhood] right now getting my bike, do you want to hang out for a bit? (without specifying where). Personally, Im of two minds on that. If he is informed properly ahead of time he wont be able to cancel on you with some lame excuse that he has had other plans, that his apartment is messy or that you have not told him prior to that. Oh god yes. Oh, thats a good point. I can see the conflict between desires, but it seems like it might be easier or at least less violating for people who want unexpected visitors to encourage them to drop by whenever than for people who dislike it to tell people to go away. Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. Although she gets annoyed if people she doesnt like as much assume the same invitation applies to them, or if people turn up late in the evening, or if people turn up when they knew she had plans to specifically do something like having to leaving the house to go to a party at 8pm, and a friend turns up at 7pm when shes in the middle of doing her hair and getting ready. You feel ratty, harassed, and youre frantically trying to make it look as if you do pay more than rudimentary attention to the housework if only to stave of questions about whether youre coping. The organizer may also be inconvenienced by someone who invites themselves. Advance notice gives us time to put on Social Face (brush hair, brush teeth, put on clothes that dont do double duty on a scarecrow or Halloween decoration, plus whatever tidying up around the house/shame cleaning we feel compelled to do) and to sort out our work/chore schedule around the visit. Also see Im planning to be in your neighbourhood geocaching, are you home for us to stop and say hello / join us for one of the caches nearby?. People seem to vary widely, so Im a big proponent of Ask, not Guess. It was a lose-lose situation. But when everyones pretty busy, its often easier to just be more fault-tolerant than to try in vain to be a flawless scheduling robot. Fortunately, we find ourselves in a world where women are empowered and encouraged to go for what they desire rather than just sit around and wait for things to happen. doing that, or reacting in other appropriate ways, without letting on that you noticed the feeling (VERY IMPORTANT). I mean, some people like to do that to others anyway, but I hate to give them such good ammunition. So then I instinctively want to police myself away from being That Person, etc.). Itturned out ok, but I sort of wish I had subsequently invited one or two other people, because it was kinda weird to travel with this guy (he wasnt even a CLOSE friend, I have NO CLUE what he was thinking). It can feel highly embarassing that you cant maintain higher standards. Based on his demeanor he is ready too but is probably too shy to ask you over. I am sitting here listen to someone honk their horn every 20 seconds for, I dont even know, 5 minutes? You could mention that you have a commitment after and will need to leave his place by a given time. i wouldve invited you up! Back when I was in my uni days I hung out in a social group that was very lets all just drop in on each other and I once made the mistake of turning up at a working friends house at 8pm with a bunch of other student friends. Were in a cultural phase where Are we still on for tonight? is an actual question people text you 15 minutes before youre supposed to meet them, and its so great to hang out with someone for whom Come by my place Saturday at 9:30 means I will go by their place Saturday, at 9:30 without any further confirmation or negotiation being necessary. I would suggest you ask in a casual, friendly, "no pressure" tone. I also figured out that Im just not that comfortable having people over not a born hostess, I guess. And if Im hiring a band and a caterer. Now that were grown? If you call him up a few hours before you want to hang out, he may say no due to prior plans or because his apartment is messy. It would be ridiculous to never mention my aunt to my cousin just in case she were upset that I ever did something with aunt that didnt include her. Maybe Elizabeth could ask her sons teacher how kids in that age range and their families generally arrange this stuff at their school? Frequently saying no is going to cause problems with even the most dedicated Asker, so the prudent course is to say it strongly once, even if the idea of occasionally saying yes isnt awful. Home vs. work,surprise! vs. planned, andyou inviting yourself vs. her inviting you,speak to escalating levels of intimacy. You might continue by offering to make him one of your favorite meals for supper that you know he would enjoy or a dessert that will blow his mind. This, 100%, and can I just make a plug for when you are dating someone, THEY ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY INVITED TO EVERYTHING YOU ARE INVITED TO. Without telling us?). I completely plan to be where we said, when we said! And then there was the time we had this conversation: So I was talking to this guy Stephan last night, and he invited me over to a party he is having this evening. When someone is yelling at you and trying to hurt you with sarcasm, it is because they have chosen to respond in a hurtful manner. If a bunch of friends are planning a road trip or going camping. ). Often the person will say oh keep doing what youre doing, I wont be a bother but having somebody else in my house is not relaxing or conducive to me doing things I was in the middle of doing. Do you want to catch up? Yes. Not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends is not the same thing as nobody is comfortable with being brutally honest with friends and you cant ever ask your friends to BE honest because obviously theyd find that uncomfortable, and you should just LEARN. But, it did make me wonder if my assumptions about etiquette were off. I love this and will use it always. Yup. Because while there are people (very extremely few people) I can happily hang out with regularly for 9 hours, they are not them. But if the first date is "hey baby come on over to my place at midnight - " of course that's direspectful. They also make me pretty tired. Eventually the pursued individual just grows weary of all the unwanted attention, and starts responding sharply (if they respond at all) when the other person wont gracefully take the hint and back off. The vast majority of pies are not baked to shame the nonbakers. She enjoys learning about relationship and communication skills in order to develop her own and others' relationships. But thats not whats being discussed in this subthread the question was raised whether it was a priori needy to stop by someones work to get a hug. than be the person at the event where people are grousing Why is she here?/Who invited her?/Nobody did, she just invited herself!. There aren't any hard and fast rules. I kind of describe myself as an introverted extrovert. Again, only one of us HAS to be out in the weather in this scenario. (Polite noises can be Anyway, it was good to see you; I guess I should head out and let you get back to stuff?), I get where youre coming from, and there are some benefits to brutal honesty, but not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends.. Also my floordrobe? It hurts so much, LW, and Im so sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I think your manners were fine, and your reading on the situation of friend vs SO is pretty socially ept. I like offering (and getting) a friendly out so that nobody feels pressured to miss, say, their favoritest band ever thats playing a special last-minute-announced show just because we had plans to sit around watching TV. Im also getting the sense that things are shifting between us a bit is there anything I can do to help our friendship be as comfortable as it used to be?. Why? But then I worry she will think Im pre-emptively avoiding her. This right here. His sister got to the point of being able to call a friend to arrange a play date around age 9. The Captains given some good general guidelines, but when it comes to the specific relationship between the LW and this friend, I think in some ways its simpler, because its an individual. You were a little kid. 1.6. I got reamed at (yelled at, sarcasm, etc) by my ex because I showed up early one night for a hangout. I havent seen anyone else since I got stuck here, and it is horrible, but Im vulnerable, and need to enforce my boundaries for the time being. Awful. But having grown up in the country, where you werent likely to be going past Auntie Janes house that frequently so why not stop and say hello while youre going past, I have felt mildly hurt when this doesnt happen. But I also grew up with the unstated understanding that if you bump into your neighbors mowing the lawn or want to drop off a book and chat, you didnt hang around forever and expect them to re-schedule the afternoon. No worries if you want to keep it low key. When people tell you which thing they like, listen to them. The lounge would be where the family relaxed; the reception room is where you would receive visitors. When youve got more than one of them going on working full time PLUS kids/pets/whatever you dont even need a particularly high level of inculcated shame to feel that way. Which is why I despise despise despise Google Hangouts, but thats a completely different story. Such a waste, from my perspective. Unfortunately, it has also become increasingly common for burglars (disguised as solicitors) to case a home by ringing the bell to see if a residence is unoccupied. But its also a huge life event (or can be, anyway) so expecting you to never mention it to non-invitees is kind of ridiculous. It's another question without anything close to a quick, clear answer. The soft invite is way too easy to brush off, especially with the level of over-scheduling that exists at certain socio-economic levels. Im coming in late and have enjoyed looking at the different takes on dropping by. People would say to me things like, Oh, we should get together soon! and Id say, Yeah, lets do that! Then Id wait for them to call me, because in the culture I grew up in, a person wouldnt extend themselves to say we should get together unless they really wanted to do that, and maybe they just had to go home first and check their calendar and the person who was on the receiving end of the invitation shouldnt call the other person, because it would be rude and demanding to not take them at their word. There are so many many reasons people might not enjoy a surprise visit. Were living in the finished basement while the rest of it gets done. But I guess this goes hand in hand with another (also common in my social circles) practice, that of regularly making tentative plans that are never executed. The situations you describe wouldnt bother me in the least! Pretty sure it didnt slip their mind. If a bunch of people are meeting at a bar at a certain time, it's usually fine to say you may be there as well. Constantly. We talked about boys, sex, parents, money, school. Otherwise, leave your card with Jeeves, and Ill return your call at my earliest convenience. Next, ask what her particulars are about dropping by. Im also kind of allergic to planning sometimes because I have no idea if Ill be having a depressive episode or some other shenanigans that day and have to cancel, and I dont want to be known as that person who randomly flakes on everything. The less long term friend events planning I can do, the better. Listen to someone honk their horn every 20 seconds for, I Guess school! 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